I am curious to see what others think.
I like to believe my writing style has changed, and improved greatly. I will first show you something I wrote at least four years ago, then I will post the way I want it to read now. I’d like to know which you preferred, why, and what you think. Please, please, please leave feedback!.
Fog (original)
The fog came rolling into the Bay as if it where a thick blanket.
One second you could see a bird soaring,
And the next it was gone,
Making you look back and wonder if it was real or just something in your imagination.
Then a little bit later you see the fog clear just enough to see across the Bay and just make out a light.
Then in another spot you can see the sun start to break through the fog creating rays of light reflecting on the waters.
Minutes later the Bay is clear the sky is blue and the sun is shining on the water,
The fog no even leaving a trace of its being there.
Making you wonder if it was there or something from your imagination.
Fog (recent)
The fog came rolling into the Bay,
As if it were a thick blanket being spread.
One second you see birds soaring in the sky,
The next their gone as if they are but ghosts.
Something in your imagination alone.
Causing you to reflect a moment.
Shortly after it is nothing but clear.
Skies are blue,
Wind stirring your eyelashes.
Waters calm,
The sun stimulating warmth on the skin.
Leaving sign of nothing.
I like the first version better. While it is very wordy, it still flows well. The second version is full of fragments and extremely choppy. It’s good for dramatic effect, I suppose, but it is harder to follow.
Poetry, unlike prose, needs to convey the message with minimal words. By saying less, you say more. Dispense with the adjectives and try using active words.
Good luck and God bless, Eric
Check this out > http://wp.me/p1YE83-a5
You have captured my opinion on poetry!
Thank you for the advice.
I loved ‘Perfection’ thank you for sharing that with me
Blessings!